As I sit here writing this on the 2 year anniversary of my friend who was a deaf police officer who lost his battle to depression.

I'd like to share how I fought for years with mental health from preteen and on. Finally realized I had no other option in my mid 20s to hospitalized myself and get the help needed. This was a long journey of almost 10 years of advocating for myself, firing mental health providers, finding the right providers who confirmed I was misdiagnosed and improperly medicationed with high levels of lithium that Ultimately could have caused extreme issues down the road. I was then rediagnosed to my origional diagnosis of major depressive disorder, anxiety, and finally got the diagnoses of adhd i was fighting to be recognized for 3 years prior. I came off the dangerously high levels of lithium and I was told I could completely come off it. I was nervous as it was so drilled in my head that I was Bipolar 2 and I needed it. I will now  officially be completely off of Lithium come March 31st. Im grateful my dr didnt push me to do anything i didnt want to and supported me. With the diagnosis of MDD I then qualified for TMS as my MDD was medication resistant. This started the life change I so desperately needed. It was the best decision I even made. However, it didn't stop the suicidal ideations, and 11 months ago I had a plan and notes and everything together to end my life. This was a split second decision and all put together within 30 minutes. I let the ideations get to me. Instead of reaching out for help, I kept it a secret because I never felt listened to or my problems mattered. I wasn't depressed tho, which was the weirdest part. I cried and cried until I fell asleep and I didn't act fully on my plan. I made an appt with my godsend of a team, got on a new med at an extremely low dose and that was the missing piece. I have not had any suicidal ideations or depression in 11 months. I NEVER thought I'd see the day. I never thought I'd make it to 25, and I'll be 35 in 5 months. I have lost many people to suicide and as someone who has had attempts and plans and felt that pain from lossI am so grateful I stuck it out, advocated for myself, push myself, and had my families support, and my friends support to be there. I've been the friend who's always there for those struggling, whether getting them hospitalized, to appointments, pushing them to get help, being there to do coping mechanisms with them, and even teaching some, but I'm grateful for the few who have always been by my side. A quote I remember seeing and writing on my wall as a teen "you gotta kick at darkness till you see the daylight" and it's true. Its not dark forever. Let your light shine, even if it dims from time to time. Rely on your team of medical professionals, friends, family ect to pump the current to make that light brighter. There's always better days to come.

-Ally